MOMBITES

Laughing at Sunburns

Wed, 09 Jun 2010 23:28:26 GMT

There is another reason that I fear summer - sunburns.

I come from a family with skin so pale that we’re almost albino. We have exactly two skin tones – ghostly white and fiery red (after a few minutes in the sun). Have you seen the new spf 50 sun blocks? That’s not enough. I’m looking forward to spf 100. I want something that’s going to be so effective blocking the sun that it will be as if I’m going out at midnight.

I don’t want to give you the wrong impression – we’re not vampires. We do like to go outside during daylight hours– we just can’t stay out for more than a few minutes without starting to do our boiled lobster imitations.

What I really need is a full body bathing suit – something that covers me from my ankles to my neck. That way I wouldn’t have to worry about sunburns (and I wouldn’t have to think about the few extra pounds that I might possibly have put on last winter though I’m still not admitting to anything). I think surfers have the right idea – this year I’m going to wear a wet suit. Maybe I’ll even start carrying around a small surf board to complete the look.

You can laugh now, but after you try on a few bathing suits, you might start thinking that it makes sense. So look for me at the pool this summer. You’ll know me – I’ll be the pale one wearing the wetsuit with a smile on my face.

Life's Laughs - Fear of Bathing Suits

Sun, 23 May 2010 14:34:38 GMT

I recently read a survey that listed Making a Presentation as the number one fear of adults. They’re wrong. I don’t know what men’s biggest fears are but I can certainly tell you the number one fear for women. It’s not spiders, it’s not mice, it’s not even that slimy clump of hair and goo that you have to pull out of the bathtub drain when the water won’t go down. The biggest fear is trying on bathing suits. (Admit it – just thinking about it is probably making you nervous.)

My husband doesn’t understand the trauma that women feel when we consider going to buy a new suit. He can’t understand the difference between buying shoes and buying a bathing suit. It’s easy for him, when summer starts, he just pulls out last year’s bathing suit, tries it on and if it doesn’t fit any more, he goes out and buys a new one. He looks at a few and fifteen minutes later he has a new bathing suit.

In fifteen minutes, I haven’t even decided what size I’m looking for. (I’m sure that the sizes get smaller every year – that’s the only explanation I can think of when the size that I wore last time I bought a bathing suit doesn’t fit anymore.) I’d prefer going shoe shopping any day – after all, I don’t have to worry that my feet look fat.

The worst part about buying bathing suits is trying them on. I have to get undressed in front of a fun-house mirror with a 200-watt light bulb exposing every cookie and cupcake I ate over the winter (including the ones that I only licked the icing off to save calories). Just thinking about it gives me the shivers that only a chocolate bar can soothe.

Over the years, I’ve developed some rules for bathing suit shopping:

1) Put it off as long as possible.

2) Don’t go shopping right after you eat – that tiny bite of cake you have for dessert can make the difference between a size 10 and a size 14.

3) Don’t go shopping right before you eat. It will ruin your appetite.

4) Don’t go shopping if you have anything else you can possibly do instead such as scrubbing out the inside of the chimney or painting the roof.

5) Never, never, never go shopping with a small child who is likely to loudly say things in the dressing room like, “Mommy why is your skin squishing out of the side of the bathing suit? Is it supposed to look like that?”

Even though I dislike it, I eventually have to give in and buy a bathing suit otherwise I’ll never get into the water this year to cool off. Once I get over the shock of buying a bathing suit I’ve got to deal with my second biggest fear – wearing shorts in public.

Remember - keep laughing!

Life’s Laughs - What I Wanted for Mother’s Day

Sun, 16 May 2010 17:40:39 GMT

Every year my family asks what I want for Mother’s Day. I never tell them what I really want because I know I’ll never get them. For example, what I really wanted for Mother’s Day was an elegant dinner at a restaurant where I have to get dressed up and put on perfume. I’d like it to be so fancy that there is no kid’s menu.

What I actually asked for was a dinner out. What I got was a dinner at the local pancake restaurant. It’s my daughter’s favorite place and she is convinced that it’s my favorite too. It’s not actually number one on my list, however it has cheap kid’s meals, fast service, paper placemats to color and it’s close enough to the house so that I only have to hear, “Are we there yet?” once or twice. What more can you ask for in a dining experience?

The other thing I really wanted for Mother’s Day was a weekend at a luxurious spa complete with a manicure, pedicure, facial, and daily massages. Oooh, that sounds so nice, I’m getting relaxed just thinking about it. Instead I actually asked for some fancy bath soap and a chance for a nice soothing hot soak. What I got was about ten minutes of quiet in the bathtub before I got interrupted over and over again. “Mom, where are my socks?” “Mom, where are the scissors?” “Mom, where are the band aids?” That one got me out of the bath in a hurry.

Don’t get me wrong; I love all the presents that my family gives me. I especially love the presents that my seven year old daughter makes for me: the I Love You Mom pencil holder, the picture frame studded with colored macaroni, the bead necklaces. (I remember making ashtrays for my mom when I was little, but I guess that’s not politically correct anymore.)

My favorite present, though, is one that my daughter can’t make and can’t buy at a store. My favorite present of all is when my daughter gives me a giant-squeezy hug and I hear her say, “You’re the best, Mom.”

So when my daughter asked me what I wanted most of all for Mother’s Day, that’s what I told her. Actually there’s something that I want more than that, but I know I can’t get it. I want it more than any fancy dinner or weekend away at a spa. What I really want is a way to put some extra giant-squeezy hugs in a box and save them for when my daughter is fifteen and thinks I’m a complete idiot. When she runs into her room to be alone, I’ll be able to open my little box of hugs, take one out and remember one of the best things about being a mom. ;-)

Reminder -We want to hear about the funny things your kids have said. Send your short funny stories to GeorgiaFamilyMagazine@GMail.com, and we’ll post some here for you to enjoy. You may also attach a photo if you wish. (Please let us know if we can use your name or just initials.)
As a special incentive, one random submitter will get a personally autographed copy of my book, “Annie Clark and The Pearls of Wisdom” (with your name or your child’s name). Thank you.

Funny Things Kids Say

Wed, 14 Apr 2010 00:00:00 GMT

MomBites

Funny Things Kids Say

By Laura Browne

We need more laughs in our lives. Being a mom is not only fun, it’s funny. If you’ve ever had a child say something totally hilarious (especially at the wrong time), you know just what I mean.

When my daughter was almost finished with kindergarten, she sadly told me that she didn’t want to graduate. She loved her teacher and her class. I tried to make her feel better by telling her how much fun she would have in first grade. Then she looked at me very seriously and explained, “But Momma, I’ve already learned all I need to know.”

We all have our favorite stories of the funny things our kids say. Now it’s your chance to share those funny moments with other moms. Send your short funny stories to GeorgiaFamilyMagazine@GMail.com, and we’ll post some here for you to enjoy. You may also attach a photo if you wish. (Please let us know if we can use your name or just initials.)

As a special incentive, one random submitter will get a personally autographed copy of my book, “Annie Clark and The Pearls of Wisdom” (with your name or your child’s name).

Visit this blog again soon to look for your funny story and read what other moms send in. I’ll share my stories and ideas in future blogs.

To start you off right, here’s a recipe for smiles:

Mama’s “Fool-proof” Spaghetti Sauce

Assemble: 2 large cans tomato puree, 1 fresh clove garlic, 1 medium onion, 2 teaspoons oil, 1 small sprig of parsley, 1 teaspoon oregano, 1 teaspoon basil, ¼ cup red wine.
Look for large pot with lid.
Realize that pot has been used as a temporary house for the hamster while its cage was being cleaned.
Find a medium pot with lid.
Chop the onions and sauté in oil.
Look for garlic press.
Empty out the junk drawer on the kitchen table to find the garlic press.
Look in the kid’s toy chest to find the garlic press.
Find the garlic press and try to scrape the play clay out of it.
Smell smoke.
Realize that you’ve forgotten the onions on the stove.
Frantically wave a Martha Stewart Living magazine at the smoke detector before the smoke alarm goes off.
Take two aspirin after smoke detector does go off.
Throw out onions.
Light a cookie-scented candle that you bought to support your child’s school.
Realize that the house now smells like smoky cookies.
Briefly think about making home-made cookies for desert. Fortunately, quickly come to senses and abandon idea.
Give up on garlic press and look for dried garlic.
Find a jar of spaghetti sauce in the back of the cupboard and put it in the pot.
Add the parsley, garlic, oregano and basil.

23) Heat until bubbling.

24) Drink the wine.

Come back again soon and let’s share some laughs.

Teens Caught Sexting Face Porn Charges

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 04:05:53 GMT

Teens Caught Sexting Face Porn Charges

While most teens don't begin having sex before age 17, many have become blasé about other aspects of "sex" thanks probably to the tens of thousand of hours they spend with risque movies, videos, and music. Is it any wonder that those same teens feel casual about putting provocative images of themselves on their electronic gadgets. Although there have been reports of sextexting as far back as 2005, recently, we hear of more and more incidents in the news.

Risque photos of Miley Cyrus hacked from her cell phone were posted online. Ex-boyfriends circulate nude pictures of the girls they were dating. In Alabama, the authorities arrested four middle-schoolers for sexting. A growing number of teens have gotten into serious trouble for sending sexual images on their cell phones. According to USA Today, “Police have investigated more than two dozen teens in at least six states this year for sending nude images of themselves in cellphone text messages, which can bring a charge of distributing child pornography. Authorities typically are notified by parents or schools about so-called ‘sexting.’” Juvenile Court Judge Thomas O’Malley (Ohio) has not decided what to do with the teens caught trading nude pictures of themselves. He mentions that if the 17-year-old girl is convicted of a child-porn charge, he says, she would be a registered sex offender for 20 years.

“It’s absolutely becoming a bigger problem,” says Michelle Collins of the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children. Of the 2,100 children the center has identified as victims of online porn, she says, one-fourth initially sent the images themselves.

It’s possible that pre-teens and teens don’t complete understand the enormity of this risky behavior. Once a text or photo goes electronically, it’s out there forever, and as lawmakers debate penalties, more than embarrassment might be the result of those reckless decisions.

What is “sexting”? Sexting, according to Wikipedia, is a risque new communication trend where cell phone users—typically teens—create and exchange provocative, sexual images of themselves using their cell phones’ built-in digital camera. The term has been around for a while, and a survey from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy suggests that one in five teens have “electronically sent, or posted online, nude or semi-nude pictures or video of themselves.” And more than a third of teens surveyed say it is common for photos like these to be shared with others.

What are some steps a parent might take to protect a teen? The Consumer Reports electronic blog offers these tips:

* Outline the risks. Make sure they understand what can happen if they engage in such risky behavior. It’s not only embarrassing, but it can open them up to much greater dangers—such as online bullying. (Ask your daughter what will her “boyfriend” do with those pictures of her once they “break up?”) Make sure they know that once such pictures are sent out from their cell phone, there’s no telling where those images will go or who will ultimately see it.

* Consider getting your teen a camera-less cell phone. That might reduce your kids’ risk of temptation to take and share embarrassing self-portraits. But be aware that your kids can still be at risk. (Their peers—and others—can still take embarrassing shots if your kids fall victim to peer pressure.) And even a basic phone can still receive—and forward—sexting messages.

* Disable attachments on text-messages. Some cell phones and cell service providers can limit what can be sent and received via text-messaging. Check the manual that came with your child’s cell phone and contact your wireless service provider. If you can’t disable attachments, consider turning off text messaging and go with a voice-only plan.

* Spot checks. Go over your monthly cell phone bill and look for unusual patterns such as a rise in the number and frequency of text messages and a spike in “data traffic.” Also, make it a policy to physically inspect your child’s cell phone at random intervals. Look in the cell phone’s memory (including any removable memory card slots), text-messaging “inbox” and “sent” folders for risky images and messages.

* Remember, sexting can do lasting damage. Images can spread like wildfire. And while your kids might think some pics aren’t “porno” or “sexy” or “a big deal,” as those already-charged teens are discovering, passing around what can be legally considered “kiddie porn” is a crime that law enforcement pursues vigorously!

For more on privacy issues and staying safe online, be sure to check out Consumer Report’s Guide to Online Security, which features a section on protecting your kids.